Christian Counselling

 

                           519-624-1001

               Online & Phone counselling link below

Offices in:  Cambridge & Simcoe (Ontario, Canada)

"Resources" link below contains many articles, books & links that may be of interest



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Emotional & Relationship Boundaries

 

    Below are a few books on healthy emotional and interpersonal boundaries that may be helpful as a supplement to counseling / counselling. These books will give you info on and understanding of some of the reasons for, problems with, and consequences of unhealthy psychological boundaries in relationships (marriage, family, children, parents, friendships, dating, boyfriends, etc.). They supply information related to defining boundary problems and how to tell if this is applicable to you and your relationships.

    Boundaries have to do with our personal ego identity being distinct and different from that of other people's. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. Problems with boundaries tend to happen when there is either enmeshment with or too rigid detachment from (the opposite extreme) others. This will involve such terms as dependency, codependency, needy, infatuation, transference, and caretaking. Marital and relationship codependents will be dependent on emotionally dancing with the personality tendencies of their partner, though often in exactly opposite ways (the flip side of the same coin) to how their partner does. When there is dependence or codependence with another, boundaries tend to get crossed and overstepped, be too permeable, and subject to too much influence. The extreme of this would be in abusive relationships.

    Overcoming these tendencies involves reorienting oneself, & establishing and setting limits in relationships. This will involve emotional growth, & some assertiveness and tough love.

    The habit pattern of not having healthy boundaries (not properly facing and processing one's hurt and anger with others), tends to develop out of a number of hurtful childhood scenarios, a few of which we will list here. We can learn from one or both of our parents that conflict is to be feared and avoided at all costs. Or we can vow to be opposite to a parent who hurt us through their venting of anger in unbalanced and extreme ways. We can also fear to express who we really are or what we really feel because we grew up being criticized or getting subtle or not so subtle messages that we are not good enough in what we do or in who we are. This would include never being able to please a parent or getting messages that we are a disappointment because we are not living up to a certain standard (known or unknown). As a result we can end up fearing and avoiding failure, and trying to constantly please others and meet everyone's needs but our own.

 

    For Christians it is important to see that scripture says we are to love our neighbour "as" ourselves, not "instead" of ourselves. We can only care about others to the extent that we care about ourselves (and our own hurts and feelings). Becoming a doormat as a way of avoiding the difficulty of working out our hurts and angers with others is not God's way. Jesus in fact said to go to others who have an issue with us (Matt. 5:23-24), or with whom we have an issue (Matt. 18:15-17), and work issues and offenses out with the help of third, fourth and fifth parties if necessary.   

     

    God's call to turn the other cheek is not the same as being a doormat. You only need to look at how Jesus lived His life out to see that this is not so. Jesus confronted others on many uncomfortable and unpopular issues and expressed anger (He called some people hypocrites, snakes and vipers, etc.). It is clear that anger in itself is not a sin. Scripture says "be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Eph. 4:26).  We are to "be slow to anger" (James 1:19) though, and are not to let it slide into judgment, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, rage or hate, which it will easily do if hurts and anger are not worked through with others.

   

      It is also important to realize that forgiveness and trust are two separate issues, not one and the same. God commands us to forgive others, but He doesn't tell us we have to again trust those we have forgiven. This would be very unwise in many cases. Trust is earned. God does not call us to ignore or forget the facts, just to forgive them. Scripture in fact says that "Jesus was not entrusting Himself to them, for He knew all men" (John 2:24).

 

    May God give us the wisdom to interpret scripture in the light of how Jesus and the apostles actually lived it out.

 

 

    Our goal is to help you work out healing for boundary difficulties through professional therapeutic advice and guidance.

   

      Phone counseling / counselling,Online audio / video, email or LiveType Chat Instant Messaging etherapy sessions are available for working through issues as an alternative to the standard Office appointments we also offer (see Online & Phone Counseling).

 

      In our Resources section we have a number of links, books, articles, essays & seminar notes that may be of help as a supplement to counseling. 

 

 

 

  Books

 
1.   Boundaries � John Townsend & Henry Cloud (boundaries with most people)

2.   Safe People � John Townsend & Henry Cloud (boundaries with unsafe people)

3.   Boundaries with Kids - John Townsend & Henry Cloud

4.   Boundaries in Dating - John Townsend & Henry Cloud

5.   Boundaries in Marriage - John Townsend & Henry Cloud

 

Explanation of Amazon links & Shipping rates is further down this page

.com US$ Boundaries

                 Boundaries Workbook

                 Boundaries Leader's Guide

                 Boundaries Participant's Guide

                 Boundaries Curriculum with Book(s) and Video

                 Safe People

                 Safe People Workbook

 

.co.uk GBP Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

                     Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No: Workbook

                     Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No: Leader's Guide

                     Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No: Participant's Guide

                     Boundaries Curriculum with Book and Video

                     Safe People: How to Avoid Relationships That Are Not Good for You

                     Safe People: Workbook

                     Safe People: Unabridged audiobook / audio cassette

 

.com US$ Boundaries with Kids

                 Boundaries with Kids Workbook

                 Boundaries with Kids Leader's Guide

                 Boundaries with Kids Participant's Guide

                 Boundaries with Kids Combination Pack

                 Boundaries with Teens : When to Say Yes, How to Say No

 

.co.uk GBP Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

                     Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, How to Say No: Workbook

                     Boundaries with Kids: Leader's Guide

                     Boundaries with Kids: Participant's Guide

                     Boundaries with Kids: When To Say Yes, How to Say No audiocassette

                     Boundaries with Kids: VHS, DVD, Leaders, Participants, book

                     Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

                     Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No audio CD

 

.com US$ Boundaries in Dating

                 Boundaries in Dating Workbook

                 Boundaries in Dating Leader's Guide

                 Boundaries in Dating Participant's Guide

                 Boundaries in Dating audio download

                 Boundaries in Dating Curriculum: Making Dating Work, Book(s) & Video

 

.co.uk GBP Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work

                     Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work: Workbook

                     Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work: Leader's Guide

                     Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work: Participant's Guide

                     Boundaries in Dating Kit video, Leaders, Participants, book

  = VHS, DVD, Leaders,

                                                                                                     Participants, book

.com US$ Boundaries in Marriage

                 Boundaries in Marriage Workbook

                 Boundaries in Marriage Leader's Guide

                 Boundaries in Marriage Participant's Guide

                 Boundaries in Marriage (Unabridged) audio download

                 Boundaries in Marriage audio cassette

                 Boundaries in Marriage Combination Pack

 

.co.uk GBP Boundaries in Marriage

                    Boundaries in Marriage: Workbook

                    Boundaries in Marriage: Leader's Guide

                    Boundaries in Marriage: Participant's Guide

                    Boundaries in Marriage: Unabridged audio cassette

                    Boundaries in Marriage: 8-session VHS, DVD, Leader, Participant, book

 

Amazon book links (above) & Shipping rates

1. Clicking onto any of the links above will not commit you to buying anything. It will merely enable you to peruse & compare the different new & used prices for this book from the different Amazon sellers (called "Marketplace"). You will be able to click onto your "Back" button (upper left of your monitor) a few times to exit the Amazon site & get back to our website, without being committed to buying anything.

2. In order to purchase anything, you will need to click onto an additional "Add to Shopping Cart" button, then click onto "Proceed to checkout", & then give your credit card information. You can add as many books as you wish to your Amazon cart (even from different pages in our website), before finalizing your purchase by clicking the "Proceed to checkout" button & entering your credit card information. There is a "delete" button under each book you add to the "Shopping Cart" with which you can immediately or later delete it from your shopping cart if you wish.

3. Amazon has a secure encrypted (https) payment section of their web site so credit card purchases from them are safe. You pay Amazon alone & then Amazon pays their "Marketplace" sellers, so your credit card information goes only to Amazon, not to any of the "Marketplace" sellers. It's a good system.

4. Canadian $ (CDN$) links are in the pictured boxes above. United States $ (US$), & United Kingdom pounds (GBP) links to the same books are given as "text" links below the pictured boxes.

5. In the pictured boxes above, clicking onto the "Buy from ..." button will take you to the new price of this book when bought directly from Amazon. Clicking onto the "Best Price" link, above the "Buy from ..." button in the pictured box, will show you all of the varied new & used prices for this book from the different Amazon sellers (called "Marketplace"). Generally the "Best Price" link is the better way to go as it also includes a listing of Amazon's new price for the book (you will be able to find Amazon's new price listing by checking who the seller is for each listing).

6. Clicking onto the "title" link of the book in the pictured boxes above (above the "Best Price" link) will enable you to read a description of the book, & sometimes product reviews of it by different people. There will also be a "View product details" link at the top of the "Best Price" listings page, which will take you to the same description/product reviews page.

7. Amazon sets a fixed price for the shipping costs they or any listed "Marketplace" seller can charge, regardless where the listed seller is shipping the book from. Amazon itself however, charges a bit lower shipping rate than it requires it's "Marketplace" sellers to charge. More importantly, for the purchase of more than one book, Amazon charges a much lower shipping rate for each additional book, whereas "Marketplace" sellers charge their fixed shipping rate multiplied by the number of books you purchase. Amazon's multiple book discount in shipping can thereforesometimes outweigh the benefit of choosing the lowest "Marketplace" price.

8. Amazon also offers Free Super Saver "Domestic" shipping if you live in Canada for .ca purchases, live in the US for .com purchases, or live in the United Kingdom for .co.uk purchases, & if you buy directly from Amazon (not from the varied "Marketplace" sellers), & your total order's value is higher than $39.00 CDN, $25.00 US, or 15 GBP. This can often outweigh the benefit of choosing the lowest "Marketplace" price.

9. The Amazon shipping rates are : (1) .ca (CDN$) to Domestic, United States, Western Europe, Japan & SE Asia, Rest of World, Customs; (2) .com (US$) to Domestic, International, Customs; (3) .co.uk (GBP) to Domestic, Western Europe, North America, Japan, Rest of World, Customs.

10. The Amazon "Marketplace" shipping rates are : (1) .ca (CDN$) shipping rates, Customs; (2) .com (US$) shipping rates, Customs; (3) .co.uk (GBP) shipping rates, countries covered, Customs.

 

   

Context of our Value Base

   
   

     Our counseling services are available to both Christians & non-Christians alike (as per our Mission Statement), & for both we integrate our spirituality only to the degree that people request & are comfortable with.   We are respectful of others being in somewhat different places than we are in the life journeys we walk out, & are also aware that many have been hurt or offended religiously by others in their past. 

 

    We do not try to force our Christian value base or beliefs on others, although it can at times affect what goals we feel comfortable about being able to work on with others, because there are a handful of moral & spiritual issues where we will not be comfortable in counseling contrary to our beliefs. These issues generally do not tend to come up in most people's counseling though.

   

      We come from a spiritual, biblical perspective so when requested we also function as pastoral counselors / counsellors in addition to being professional counselors, marriage & family therapists.   We are very comfortable with prayer & the inclusion of scripture where this is requested & desired, yet even then it will be integrated only to the degree that people are comfortable with.

 

 

  Who we are : MSW 30+ years counselling experience

 

Please feel free to book Online & Phone counseling appointments as an alternative to our Office appointments

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