In the first stage, �Romance� (Intimacy), a couple is initially moving away from their individual �Identities�. During this time the couple is generally losing themselves in each other. This is a time of infatuation & excitement where each hopes that this person will be who we have always dreamed of having as a mate. The other person is to varying degrees seen as a projection of what we need or want them to be in order to meet all our needs and compensate for all our woundedness. It is a time of partial illusion & blindness, where the other is not seen totally as they really are. Or at least it is assumed that by the power of love they will eventually change to be who we want & need them to be. It is the basic Hollywood romantic movie scenario.

            Once the couple has shifted back to focusing more on individual �Identity� issues and no longer has an �Intimacy� emphasis, they have then moved into the second stage of marriage, the �Power Struggle�. This is a time of re-establishing and realizing one�s differentness from the other. It is also a time of disillusionment in realizing the other is not who we had fantasized them as being. It becomes a time of conflicts and truces as we try to force the other to be who we had initially thought they would be.

          Opposites actually do attract in different ways but unfortunately we eventually tend to try to re-make each other in our own image. The �Power Struggle� phase becomes a time of battling over who is right/who is wrong, who is going to win/who is going to lose, who is going to get their way/who is not. A few simple examples of this would be whose family of origin our new family will be made in the image of, air drying cutlery up/cutlery down, toilet paper roll installed this direction/that direction, home tidy & orderly/home clean etc.. It touches every area of the couple�s life to varying degrees.

          Usually a couple will not remain indefinitely in a state of out & out fighting about these things. One or the other usually begins to capitulate or give in at least on the surface, in order to avoid conflict. The problem here is that they have not really moved out of the �Power Struggle� phase at all, just masked it. Each instance of conflict avoidance leads to progressively more emotional disconnection. When we don�t assert who we really are, others will not be relating to the real us but instead to a false �Identity� of compliance or avoidance. Hence intimacy begins to become an illusion. At this point a couple begins to go through the motions of marriage without having the intimacy of marriage. This state within the �Power Struggle� is called �Apathy� and is obviously increasingly dissatisfying.

         If you look around this is probably the most common marital state you will see in couples who have been married for some time. Many if not most marriages get stuck in this place for the couple�s entire lifetime. Usually, when the kids eventually move out, a couple look at each other and say �hi ma�, �hi pa�, �who are you ?�  Statistically this is the point where most divorces happen.

        Couples almost universally come in for marriage counseling / counselling at the point of their deepest differences and final cry, where they have lost all hope of sorting this out. There is hope. It just requires getting a more accurate sense of what is going on & the required steps for moving out of this. There is a cost though and not everyone is willing to pay it. It involves getting to know and appreciate the other person for who they really are as opposed to who we need them to be. It involves us being willing to see that the other is gifted differently than we are (one body but many parts, 1Cor. 12:14) and that the needs they have, which we can�t relate to, are just as important as our own needs (love your neighbour as yourself). It involves us seeing marriage as God�s plan for two people to bring past family of origin/life woundedness to the surface in each other so that all of life can become a journey of walking out each other�s healing together (union/community rather than alone), as well as learning humility, mercy, grace, forgiveness, etc..

         If people are willing to make this shift and actually develop a habit pattern of consistently following through on it, a solid rock intimacy will begin to develop over time that will eventually expose how shallow Hollywood romantic fantasy really is. It becomes a friendship paralleling the friendship that Jesus invites us into as He uses all of life as a journey for our progressive healing (salvation/wholeness/sanctification, Phil. 2:12). This said, I am not saying that this is easy or simple. It is not.

        It involves balancing out dying to self with loving yourself enough to not become a doormat,instead continuing to see your own needs as being as important as the other�s (love your neighbour �as� yourself, not �instead� of yourself) or your partner will not be relating to who you really are. Conflicts have to be worked out not avoided. On the surface some of these things may appear to be opposites but God�s Kingdom (in us) is full of seeming paradoxes. Fix your eyes on Jesus (Heb. 12:2) in order to walk this out.

        The Myers Briggs or the Kiersey (an abridged version) are probably two of the most helpful beginning points for getting to know your spouse�s different giftings and tendencies (links available in our web site below under �Psychological Inventories�). They will also help you begin to tease out somewhat which things are giftings and which things are woundings. Woundings should not be accepted as things to be permanently adjusted to. Personality giftings and woundings often overlap so you might need some additional help in sorting this out. Marriage counseling / counselling can also be helpful in addressing communication styles that work/don�t work, each spouse�s main priority becoming work, church activity or children rather than each other, etc..

        There is much hope and future for couples in this process of mutual submission (Eph. 5:21).

books & links on marriage counseling / counselling